Photo LeftLion.

I’ve spent the last three months on a futile project, trying to get a pair of eccentric greengrocers to agree to me making a documentary about their ‘marvellous’ world. I’d saved up ten thousand pounds to film the project but that now will be coming off my mortgage, which in time will please my son and heir. As I began researching this project it soon became clear that many others had also had similar ideas and had approached the Brothers Grimm direct. I guess I always knew that they wouldn’t go for it, but it was worth the risk. And I think I admire them more for retaining their dignity. One of the brothers said that his girlfriend would leave him if he agreed to the documentary and so I can only hope that she dumps him in the next few months, enabling me to renegotiate.

I love these crazy bastards but I think this is the end of my life as an auteur. There are other characters in the city who would make interesting case studies but it just wouldn’t be the same. With this in mind, and so that I can get back to writing, I declare the project closed and leave my initial letter of enquiry as a footnote to what could have been.

Dear Sirs,

When the xylophone man passed away, Nottingham united in a collective mourning. Strangers in shops would eagerly recollect when they first came across him and their favourite memories. To be honest these only ever boiled down to two things; a toothless grin of utter delight and what can only be described as contempt for melody. Although the British are renowned for taking hopeless losers to their hearts, there appeared to be a more sociological reason for the respect; something we at LeftLion were quick to capitalise on and has since become the guiding principle of our style.

The xylophone man represented continuation, predictability and routine. Just like the lions in the square and the Cloughy statue, you knew he would always be in the same place banging out the same wrong notes. Seeing his toothless grinning face on a daily basis was comfort, partly because we were glad to see he hadn’t frozen to death and also because he represented a knowable member of the community.

I see you as following on in this long and important tradition of local cultural mythology. Like the Xylophone man you represent continuation, individuality and community. For this reason your story needs to be told and I would like to tell in the form of a documentary.

The reason people come into your shop, quite frankly, is because you politely harass them. The fruit and veg is just a front for this social indulgence. You are odd, eccentric and certainly far more interesting than the mass-produced celebrities we naively worship on television. To me you display defiance and individuality in an increasingly bland and homogenous world. You espouse traditional values that are mocked by today’s standards: You are Christians, Royalists, patriotic and perhaps most uniquely of all, a solid family unit. In an era which has seen the nuclear family implode and create a multitude of complex patterns, you are twins who have remained lovingly and loyally together at each other’s side. I find this quite beautiful and inspiring and am convinced would enthral people. I see you as a living breathing Ealing comedy, the ‘little man’ politely sticking two fingers up at a bland bureaucratic rationality, retaining impeccable manners throughout.

In a strange twist of fate I see you more often than my own father and this is something I would like to allude to in the documentary, should you agree. I see this as a comment on society as well as the tale of two absolute rascals. If you agree I’ve got a lot of issues to look into. I may even have to fund this out of my own pocket. It would be the best money I’ve ever spent.

I have excellent links through the Nottingham Writers’ Studio and my capacity as Literature Editor at Leftlion so I think we could produce something special with expert guidance (e.g. Michael Eaton MBE would be one such figure.) Of course the documentary could potentially change your life or give you publicity which you may not want. The documentary would also require me to enter your life. This could be; at home, out on a date, at the theatre watching ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang’, on an infamous sojourn to the Cornish coast, at suppliers, family, those fine restaurants you frequent and of course at that posh naff Broadway cinema to see Mash re-runs. This would be a necessary sacrifice if I was to tell your story but at the same time, I wouldn’t push you to do things you didn’t want. This would be a democratic project, with all proceeds split between everyone involved.

I write for free for LeftLion because I love my city and I’m a proud citizen. I hope this is vindication of my good intentions.
In the spirit of what I perceive to be your personality I have included a stamped addressed envelope for your reply and whatever your decision, I look forward to future conversations whilst weighing out bananas (‘freshly plucked from Woodthorpe Park’)

To read a previous interview with the Thompson Brothers